Jest Practices: Best Practices for Humor in the Workplace

Jest Practices: Best Practices for Humor in the Workplace
 by: Craig Harrison

Most agree that humor in the workplace can have beneficial effects. Yet not all humor is good humor. The challenge: how to interject appropriate humor and fun into our serious jobs without hurting others or seriously undermining the company. When used appropriately, humor can work for you.

Humor that Uploads Also Uplifts

Humor has the power to make people feel special. When you include people in fun it simultaneously improves morale, reduces stress and facilitates team building. With the prevalence of telecommuting and workgroups scattered geographically, the challenge of furthering working relationships, bonding and building camaraderie is real. At one San Francisco Bay Area company a workgroup staged an elaborate Remote Baby Shower. The expectant mother, who was out-of-state, called in for a pre-arranged conference call with her workgroup. When she did...surprise! Everyone was having a party in her honor. They uploaded digital photos of a decorated conference room and each other, and e-mailed sound files with well wishes. Everyone shared in the good cheer. This creative use of technology brought employees closer to each other, figuratively if not literally.

Humor That Brings People Together

Workplaces are full of opportunities to use humor for the benefit of all. Milestones are a natural place to employ humor. Dress like the recipient as a tribute during a surprise birthday party. Other celebrations to mark anniversaries, project completions or similar accomplishments are perfect opportunities to utilize humor. Even surviving certain projects is cause for celebration and fun.

Holidays are another natural time to employ humor. Halloween is a time for contests to see who can best decorate conference rooms; for other companies the anniversary of their founding is cause for celebration. Silly speeches, skits and spoofs abound.

And the Award Goes To...

Staging award ceremonies is a great way to have fun, recognize each other and revel in the shared work experience. Whether the categories mimic those found at the Oscars, Emmys or Tonys, or are derivative, esprit de corps rises when the team laughs at itself and each other. Best Supporting Actor, Best Impersonation of an Inanimate Object, Best Special Effects, Most Likely to Secede, or Lifetime Achievement Award.

Humor Is The Winning Ticket

Pranks can alternately be uplifting or uprooting. A desktop publisher, on April Fools Day, adorned his co-workers cars' windshields with mock yellow parking tickets, complete with envelopes for remittance. Upon closer inspection, these true-to-life replicas of tickets had whimsical offenses of significance to the recipients. The departmental joker's ticket cited him for "excessive use of farce" and the hard charging corporate counsel's infraction charged him with a "Failure to Yield." Of course the initiator of the gag was later cited for impersonating an officer. Everyone laughed at the spoof once they realized it was a joke. Judge Judy's signature at the bottom of the ticket gave it away.

Pole Position

A fast growing company didn't have enough office space for full cubicles for its new hires. One unfortunate hire's assigned cubicle had a giant pole in its midst. To her credit she never complained. Co-workers felt for her. One night they hit the streets, collecting various fliers from telephone poles in their neighborhoods. The next day when the new hire reached her cubicle, the offending pole was now covered with notices about missing pets, renters seeking apartments, cheap movers for hire and even local GRE study groups. Not only did the employee know her co-workers felt her frustration, it bonded them as well as they pulled together to help one of their own.

One Person's Humor is Another Person's Horror

When targeting humor consider targeting yourself. Everyone has a different idea of what's funny and what's not. Many a well intentioned prank or joke has backfired. One co-worker sent another a prank letter impersonating a local media figure. The recipient mistook it for real, interpreted it as harassment and called the FBI. Oops!

The Benefits of Self-Effacing Humor

When we make fun of ourselves it actually demonstrates our healthy outlook, showing we don't take ourselves so seriously. As a result, we're regarded as more approachable and down to earth. Don't make fun of yourself excessively. Such humor loses its effectiveness with overuse.

Everyone from politicians to CEOs to Southwest Airlines flight attendants use self-deprecating humor - humor that makes fun of themselves - to get people laughing at, and consequently with them. You can too.

Good News! George Bush May Run For Third Term

Good News! George Bush May Run For Third Term
 by: Tom Attea

President George Bush, noting the large number of presidential candidates, particularly Democratic ones, is rumored to be thinking of asking for a constitutional exception that would allow him to run for a third term.

“How come so many other people can run for President and I can’t,” he asked, “especially when I’m the one with the experience?”

When recipients of his intimations pointed out that such a run would go counter to the Constitution, he replied, “Certainly we can get around that. Didn’t FDR during World War II? And aren’t we at war now? Frankly, I just can’t see how the country can get along without me.”

The very thought of a third term by Bush has resulted in a dramatic increase in apoplexy among Democrats, with Senator Kennedy stating, “It’s enough to make me consider going back to Martha’s Vineyard forever.”

The only one who seems to look forward to the prospect of a third term by Mr. Bush is Mrs. Bush, who learned a long time ago what it’s like to be married to the decider.

Male Frogs Becoming Female; Female Frogs Object

Male Frogs Becoming Female; Female Frogs Object
 by: Tom Attea

In an alarming development, male tadpoles, when exposed to pollutants that either are or resemble estrogen, frequently grow up to become female frogs. Apparently, the transformation is occurring with such frequency that it partly accounts for the dramatic decrease scientists have recorded in the frog population.

On a contentious note, female frogs, having observed the proclivity, are apparently quite incensed that males would presume to encroach on their sexual bailiwick. Adding to the concern about the decline in frog populations, the females are threatening to stop having sex with the remaining males.

There is only one difficulty with the frog’s feminist movement. The females are having a hard time deciding which of them are authentic females and which, in a former incarnation, were males. Until the lady frogs develop a reliable way to determine their own origin, it appears that only intuition can guide those females who wish to proceed without knowing for certain what side of the female faction they belong to.

Since very few are eager to deny having sex with frogs they were at one time identic

The Eat Less Diet

Anti-Humour - The New 'Alternative Comedy'?

Anti-Humour - The New 'Alternative Comedy'?
 by: Lisa Mac

Question:"What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?"

Answer:"Cancer."

Offensive? distasteful? Or funny? If you like this joke then you are one of a growing number of people to appreciate 'anti-humour', a new genre of humour gaining cult status in both the UK and US. Purposely countering comedy tradition, many say it is overtaking observational humour to become the new ‘alternative comedy.’

Wikipedia describes it as ‘a type of indirect humour that involves the joke-teller delivering something which is deliberately not funny or lacking in intrinsic meaning'. Originally an underground phenomenon, anti-humour now has a countless number of fans including mainstream comedians such as Bill Bailey and Jimmy Carr. Websites dedicated to jokes (such as comedy central's site) have caught onto the penomenon and have begun including an anti-humour or anti-joke section. But is anti-humour the future of comedy or just a passing phase?

In effect an ‘umbrella’ term, Anti-humour takes under its wing a number of joke-telling styles. Below are some examples,

The mundane ending relies on introducing an unexpectedly commonplace ending.

Q:What is the difference between a boy and a girl?

A:The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

Or in the unanticipated use of technical or circumlocutional language as in the popular ‘Johnny big head’ joke below,

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

Nonsense jokes are funny because they have no meaning or are illogical or absurd.

A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tuna fish."

So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."

But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tuna fish."

The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"

Then the salesman takes his earplugs out, and says, "Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. I thought you were a guy who wanted tuna fish."

Dark humour attempts to shock the recipient, often taking something harmless and extracting humour by giving it a sinister twist (such as the dead baby jokes currently popular),

Q:Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden?

A:Statutory rape of a guard.

A shaggy dog story is an elongated and involved joke with a feeble or nonexistent ending. Its humour relies on its anti-climactic punch line. Take a look at this example ( http://www.badpuns.com/jokes.php?section=shaggy&name=shaggydog )

Although there is no doubt that there has been a recent upsurge in the popularity of 'anti-humour', it could be argued that the origins of the genre have been around since modern comedy began. Probably one of the oldest jokes on the comedy circuit is ‘The Aristocrats’. Based on a short story involving a travelling family (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(joke)), it encompasses all the above categories of ’anti-humour’ and is considered a kind of ‘secret handshake’ amongst many comedians. So popular is it in fact, that in 2005 a documentary film was based on it, featuring comedians such as Whoopi Goldberg, Billy Connelly and Eric Idle. Nevertheless, it's recognition only recently is another example of the popularity anti-humour has gained of late.

Anti-humour is unashamedly a rebellion against the classic joke. By subverting the traditional ending and/or increasing it's shock value, it turns the classic joke on its head, mocking it with it‘s own format. One wonders whether anti-humour always existed, as a kind of relief to comedians tired of worn out jokes. Maybe it was a way to bring humour back to comedy, so it wasn’t work anymore.

However, Todd Jackson writer of comedy blog http://www.dead-frog.com/ sees anti-humour more as a progression in comedy audience's tastes,

“It's for and from sophisticated audiences who know comedians and their tells well enough that it becomes funnier to watch humour eat its own tail than hear a tried-and-true punch line.”

He references a New York Times article that talks of the general public being much more self-conscious about being funny and in this way suggests a similarity between observational humour and anti-humour.

Anti-humour appears to be keeping fresh what is clearly well-worn territory. In the way that some conceptual artists bring life to what is an old establishment by taking a traditional format and subverting it, one could say that anti-humour is breathing new life into a tired comedy tradition. Just as all art forms naturally progress, anti-humour appears to be the next step for comedy. Particularly popular with young people and one site paving the way for the genre is www.itsnotfunny.co.uk which has some really a good / bad examples of anti humor that are submitted by university students from all over the country. It seems that anti-humour will only gain popularity over the next couple of years and that it is undeniably here to stay.

Interestingly, Jackson mentions that his online aristocrats joke database now also includes some aristocrats jokes that include a straight and clean version of the family’s act. It seems that even in the case of anti-humour, subversion can be subverted.

Jumping Ship

Jumping Ship
 by: Tom Attea

“I can’t stand anymore chicken!” a vacationing guest, who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard.

The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent passenger.

Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over the edge.

A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he turned, saw the first mate, and called, “Passenger overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the Coast Guard! We need assistance!”

Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship threw her arms up, and yelled, “Count me out, too!”

“Why?” Captain Walsh demanded.

As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to inform him, “Even the spaghetti is inedible!”

Then over she went.

Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash down near her water-treading husband.

“Dear me,” he lamented, and turned to his curiously desultory first mate, “Make that two lifeboats!”

Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All the passengers had now gathered on the deck and appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought passed through his mind that they might opt for going overboard en masse.

Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst nightmare could come true. For instance, a few especially irate guests were brandishing hastily scrawled signs, saying such things as, “Better Entertainment Now!” “Freedom From Bingo!” and “Clean The Pool!”

“Now, see here,” the captain said, “I know you’re all not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but surely there are some enjoyable things.”

“Name one!” a disgruntled passenger challenged him.

“Well, how about the port calls?” he asked weakly. “And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?”

“Robbery in every port!” a man let out. “Disguised as sale prices!”

“You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand dollars?” a particularly irate female shopper said, holding up the stringed bauble.

“To the rails!’ another man yelled.

“We’re off of here!” a woman exclaimed.

Then the entire group, every last passenger currently still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, made a move for the rail.

“Stop! I order you to stay on board!” Walsh commanded, and placed his body between the rail and the ocean-bound passengers.

“Stand aside!” a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle.

“No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!” another man screamed.

“Or slot machines where everybody loses!” a woman chimed in.

Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another. Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every single guest leap off the boat.

“How we gonna explain this to headquarters!” the first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a gaggle of other crew members were attempting to activate.

The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the first mate. “Quick – the lifeboats! We’ve got to save everyone or we’ll be finished – washed up, forever!”

Just then the ship’s chef and his staff appeared on the deck and hurried toward the captain. “Is it true? All the passengers?” the chef asked, and peered over the rail.

“Every last one of them!” the captain wailed.

“It couldn’t be the food?” the chef wanted to know.

“Could it?” the sous chef queried.

“I have to be honest. Some did mention that.”

“I feel terrible about this,” the chef sighed. “My cooking days are over.”

Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for the rail.

“Hold it!” the captain said. “Not you and the kitchen crew, too?”

“The least we can do is join them!” returned the chef. Then, with a flourish, he added, “If only I had better ingredients!”

And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the kitchen went.

“Chef and staff overboard!” the captain called.

Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew members who were helping to launch the lifeboats stopped their vital work and climbed down to the deck.

The Awesome 80's

The Awesome 80's
 by: Matthew W. Grant

It was the decade of decadence. It was about glitz and glamour as well as baubles, bangles, and beads.

Everyone loved Luke and Laura in the afternoon. Lady Diane became the People's Princess when she married Prince Charles. Nighttime soaps like Dallas and Dynasty ruled the airwaves. President Ronald Reagan ruled the United States. Tom Cruise felt the need for speed. Michael Milliken was the Junk Bond King. Gordon Gekko taught Wall Street whiz kids that greed was good. Material Girl Madonna made her musical debut.

What decade was it?

We can only be talking about that terrific time period – the excellent eighties.

Here are twenty-one ways for you to verify that you belong to (or belong in) the 1980's.

1. Breakdancing on the sidewalk looked like fun. Now it just looks like you might break something.

2. You can still recite dialogue from any movie starring Molly Ringwald.

3. "Cell phones" meant the telephone people used when they got their "one phone call" in jail.

4. You had at least one of the following: a Cabbage Patch Kid, He-Man action figures, a Rubik's Cube, or something with a Pac-Man logo on it.

5. You remember a lot of headlines about the Human Genome Project, which was a complete mapping of human DNA. You also remember how this was supposed to lead to the eradication of disease.

6. You remember the day that thousands of radio stations across the world played "We Are The World" at the exact same time. (Now, you're singing it!)

7. Your first album was a vinyl 33 and you laughed at your parents because they wanted to play 45's and 8-track tapes.

8. You know who Oliver North is and why he was in the news.

9. Someone on your street or neighborhood sent his or her life savings to a later discredited televangelist.

10. You hung out with your friends at the mall, especially in the video arcade where you exchanged those hard-earned quarters for tokens.

11. You know that "glasnost" means openness or transparency and "perestroika" means economic restructuring.

12. You and your friends made fun of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady. (The fictional woman was named Mrs. Fletcher and the product was the LifeCall emergency service.)

13. You inserted "like" liberally and unnecessarily throughout your sentences. Like so, "Like, that was, like, the hardest test we ever had. So after class, I was all like asking the teacher and she was like it wouldn't have been hard if you had studied. Then I was like is that like wicked rude or what?"

14. You know there was only one way Dorothy on the Golden Girls could make Sophia behave. She simply said, "Shady Pines, Ma, Shady Pines."

15. You've actually tasted New Coke. Extra points if you wrote to Coca-Cola and insisted they bring back the original formula.

16. You remember when there was no such thing as CNN, E!, or MTV.

17. Your parents were afraid you'd cut yourself putting on a snap bracelet.

18. You were inspired by Sandra Day O'Connor, the first female Supreme Court Judge, Sally Ride, the first female astronaut and Geraldine Ferraro, the first (and as of this writing only) female Vice Presidential candidate.

19. Renting horror movie sequels about Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers took up a lot of your time.

20. You loved the opposite sketches and green slime on You Can't Do That On Television.

A Religion In Need Of Redemption

A Religion In Need Of Redemption
 by: Tom Attea

Generally, religion figures human beings need redemption. Now, we note, at least one religion is in dire need of redemption: Islam.

The explosive evidence speaks for itself – unfortunately, louder than any other voice in Islam.

But can enough Muslims be convinced that their religion needs salvation?

If a humor magazine can’t do it, who can? Here’s a short course, called Good Religion 101.

Is a religion supposed to be an enhancement of life or a liability against it? What is its merit to the living when it becomes a liability against life? For that matter, what is its merit to the ultimate source of life – in this context, taken to be Allah, the one true pal of us all?

To be meritorious, a religion must be primarily about the sanctity of life, not the sanctity of death. The more it subordinates life, which is what we have in our care, the more it has gone wrong.

To be fair, we do hear or read an occasional Islamic voice that has not lost sight of what a meritorious religion must be, but where are the voices of Islam’s millions, most notably its multitude of mullahs?

To the extent that Islam’s we-know-better members do not raise their voices against their religion gone wrong, they permit it to be denigrated in the service of death.

The question is, can it be put pervasively in the service of life? Can it be made exemplary for the lives of Muslims themselves – men, women, adults, and children – as well as good for all the infidels who just wish it would go away?

If it is to be transformed into a religion that doesn’t need to be saved, it must become one that is good for all the living. After all, only behavior that is good for everyone can be held up as a standard for everyone or as proper reverence to the ultimate source of us all.

We leave right-minded Muslims with the question wrong-minded Muslims have forced into the foreground. Can Islam be redeemed?

A lot of good people don’t think so. They think the religion is a hopeless case. Since their opinion could only arise from ample cause, it’s all the more urgent for right-minded Muslims to bestir themselves on behalf of their religion gone wrong.

Idiotic Human Behavior Traced To Greenhouse Gases

Idiotic Human Behavior Traced To Greenhouse Gases
 by: Tom Attea

An innovative study by an environmental scientist attempts to explain the recent uptick in idiotic human behavior. According to the resourceful researcher, the likely culpret is the abundant supply of greenhouse gases. As a result of their ascendance, there is simply not enough oxygen left in the atmosphere for the human brain to function at the usual level.

He reasons that the principal greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide, is frequenly derived from carbon monoxide, the toxic effluent of tailpipes and other smokestacks. To become the dioxide version, the monoxide must add an atom of oxygen, which, for lack of other alternatives, it removes from the atomosphere.

To make his determination, the scientist measured the percentage of oxygen currently available for general breathing and the amount of the same invigorating substance in a sealed time capsule that was buried during the 1950s, a time, history tells us, of an extraordinary degree of human sanity.

By comparing the two samples, the investigator was able to determine that there is significantly less oxygen in today’s atmosphere.

Commenting on the finding, George Bush said, ‘I disagree with the finding, and I'll tell you why. Today I can think just as well as I could in 1950.”

Dick Cheney remained committed to the present course, saying, “Don't pay any attention to these environmental reactionaries. They're bad for the economy. And, if you think we’re dumber now, wait till we’re too dumb to notice. Then the problem will be solved.”

On the other hand, Arlen Spector, R-PA, noted, “I have actually detected a noticeable slowdown in the intellectual activity of Congress. When I first came to Washington, I can remember an occasion or two when I actually heard an intelligent argument.”

Comeback of the Mustache? I Don't Think So

Comeback of the Mustache? I Don't Think So
 by: Auria Cortes

There is an ugly rumor circulating about the return of the 1970s mustache-wearing male finding his way to the 21st century. Is this a backlash to the metrosexual era? Is this a way for the "regular guy" to reclaim his masculinity? Is this a way of making food stuck to a man's face acceptable?

As a single woman, I strongly object to this horrific trend.

I'm not going to throw around careless accusations against facial hair. That just wouldn’t be right. Rather, my approach will be fair and balanced. You know, the reporting style made famous by Fox News.

For starters, the mustache reminds me of 1970s porn. As a kid, I wasn't always able to recognize the vital body parts through the scrambled Playboy Channel, but I could always tell if the man was wearing a mustache. Not a sexy scene, my friends.

Sticking with the 1970s theme, my father sported a mustache back then, and I don't want to date a man that resembles him. That's taking the Father Complex theory way too far.

Most importantly, I have very sensitive skin. In fact, so sensitive that I once went out on a date with a man that had facial hair and after three hours of lip smacking, my skin became so irritated that I developed a rash. Sure, you can make the argument that the rash was due to the marathon-long make-out session, not the mustache per se, but this isn’t a time to be logical. Let's keep the focus of this post where it belongs, on the ill-conceived return of the mustache.

I'm not prejudiced; I'm against all mustaches.

Pencil mustache? No way. It reminds me of John Waters.

The toothbrush? Um, no. Charlie Chaplin donned that one for a reason: it's funny-looking.

Horseshoe-style mustache? Nice try. Hulk Hogan can get away with it is because wrestlers are cartoon-like.

Magnum, P. I. mustache? Oh, now you're playing dirty (I like that), but chances are you don't look like Tom Selleck. Psssssst. If you share his rugged good looks, e-mail me your digits.

Guys, take it from me. I won't steer you wrong. There is a reason the mustache trend died a slow death. Here's a hint: men aren't supposed to be walking buffets, able to select from an assortment of late-night snacks trapped in their hippielips.

Would You Kiss My Dog?

Would You Kiss My Dog?
 by: Chuck Lunsford

You might think twice before allowing a dog to give you a big wet kiss if you know what I know. I also want to apologize in advance to all dog lovers. I remain an admirer of dogs, just from a distance where my face is out of reach of their over-exuberant tongues.

As a child growing up in the boonies of Alabama we had a succession of dogs, some memorable and some I'd rather forget. One thing they all had in common is a trait all dogs everywhere participate in with gusto, one in which prevents me to this day from allowing a dog anywhere near my mouth.

Early on in life, while still blissfully unaware, I had no qualms in allowing the current family's dog the liberty of indulging itself in a round of good-natured face-licking. After all this is for most people one of the most endearing aspect of canine ownership, letting the mutt shower them with doggie kisses for as long as the dogs owner could stand it. The pooch thinks it is showing its owner the proper display of submissive behavior and affection and believe me when I tell you that a dog will slobber all over you as long as you allow it.

As I said before, my early years were spent in blissful unawareness of Fido's hygienic tendencies. Thinking about that very aspect of doggie behavior today brings back the gag reflex I experienced when I finally discovered, far too late unfortunately, how the mutt went about its daily ablutions.

The dog we had at the time, if I recall, was a stray that sort of drifted in one day and decided to stay and see which way the wind blew. I saw him as companion for my many explorations back into the hills and ridges of the Appalachians. To give credit where credit is due I will say that dog was a champion walker. He would accompany me as long and as far as I asked him too.

Now to the gist of this story. I remember it was a scorching hot August day. One of those kind of days where the air was thick and hard to breath. Anyway I was lounging on the front porch, enjoying a cold drink, and not paying attention to anything in particular. A movement caught my eye and I saw our dog coming down the road towards the house, returning from who knows what type of foray. About a block from the property I saw him stop suddenly and peer intently at something at his feet. Then he eased himself down onto the ground and started rolling around on his back, legs flailing the air, tongue lolling out, and appearing to be in a state of puppy bliss. Needless to say this aroused my attention. I stood up and wandered over to see what had gotten the dog all excited. Was there such a thing as dognip?

Arriving on the scene my eyes were met with the disgusting spectacle of the dog rolling in the partially decomposed remains of some poor creature that wasn't able to dodge fast enough. The way the dog was carrying on you would have thought he had discovered the next greatest scent guaranteed to sweep the lady dogs off their feet. He spent a good ten minutes covering every square inch of his body with the essence of the carcass. He even belly-crawled over it a few times just to make sure no spot was missed.

Once he completed this gruesome task he stood up, shook himself off, gave me a sideways glance, and headed for the porch. I stood there in shock for a second, barely able to believe what I had just witnessed. Finally gathering my wits about me I decided it would be prudent to put as much distance between me and the dog as possible. My plan was to casually walk by him (holding my breath of course), enter the front door, and escape quietly out the back door and make for the hills as fast as my legs would carry me for the remainder of the day. My reasoning was if I was several miles away I wouldn't have to put up with the smell and best of all one of the other kids would have to give the dog a bath once the rest of the family caught wind of it.

Just about when I put my hand on the door handle to let myself in I noticed the dog engaged in yet another of the favorite pastimes of dogs everywhere. He had commenced licking himself over every inch of his body that he could reach. My stomach started doing flip-flops because I knew where he had been less than a minute prior, but for some unknown reason I was transfixed. I could not walk away. Some morbid part of me wanted to see just how far and how long this dog would go with this spectacle.

For a good half hour I bore witness as this dog slurped himself from stem to stern, spending an inordinate amount of time in the stern area if you get my meaning. With disgust and fascination I watched the whole gruesome process, sitting down at some point to see if it would help the nausea I felt coming on.

Once his ablutions were over he licked his chops as if he had just finished a choice sirloin, set his sights on me, and before I could react, pounced towards me with a twinkle in his eye and a bounce in his step. Upon later reflection I finally reasoned he wanted to thank me for "sharing" the experience by offering me some of that love and affection dogs are famous for.

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes
 by: Rahul Roy

If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, you’ll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes you’ll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous.

It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes.

In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokes… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes:

Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?”

The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’
‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered.

The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.

The Muslim replied: “Chameli”
‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.

The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now clean your ass with that!”

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Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: “What are you searching for?”

Santa Singh: “Hidden camera!”

Jasmeet: “And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?”

Santa Singh: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”

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Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says: Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.

The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”

Sardar says, well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

“You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom”.

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These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, don‘t hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.

A Humorous Bow Hunting Story

A Humorous Bow Hunting Story
 by: Patty Pinkerton

A man and his friend were bow hunting elk in the Colorado mountains near Stoner Colorado. They rode their horse's from early morning until late evening. The high mountain terrain was very rough with tree's blown down and large boulders in the path. Their horse's had to step very carefully or chance breaking a leg.

With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day. The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner.

They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw.

The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years."

Mahmoud And The Talking Camel

Mahmoud And The Talking Camel
 by: Tom Attea

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.

“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.

“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”

“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.

“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.

“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”

But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.

Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.

Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”

“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”

“Really?” the President pondered.

“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’

“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.

"Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’

“And, suddenly, I knew how.

"So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’

“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”

“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.

“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”

“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.

The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.

“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”

“Thankz,” the camel replied.

“So what did Allah tell you?”

“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”

“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”

“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.

“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”

“I did?”

“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”

“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”

“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”

The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”

“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”

The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.

“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.

The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”

“He said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”

“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”

“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”

“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn't need nuclear power for energy.”

“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.

“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”

“Or?”

The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”

The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.

The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”

“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”

“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”

Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”

Goat Jokes & Funny Goats

Goat Jokes & Funny Goats
 by: James Pickavance

Humans love hilarious moments. Some crack jokes to make other laugh. Some funny antics of people make others in vicinity to laugh. Many consider animals as funny, hence goats also comes under funny animals. Goats are curious and strange at times. Playful antics of funny goats can make one laugh in a big way.

You can watch a great deal of funny goats’ videos on some television channels, youtube, and other online websites. There is numerous jokes related to goats are there in usage.

When goats become scared they do certain weird stuffs, and it will look extremely funny to us. Goats feel itchy about their heads. Therefore, they search for anything that can help them in scratching. Do not be amazed, they might scratch their head even to our body. There are many bizarre scratching instances involving the goats. While talking about funny goats, their curiosity makes them hilarious.

If you give something say a cap, they will be curious enough to check whether it could eat. Since goats can climb, you might find them in some unusual places out of their curiosity, entangled in mess. Many a time, you will not be able to stop laughing seeing goats kicking down kids and elders. Do not make goats to chase you; you might end up in a funny brawl.

In one sense, the fainting goats are termed as the funny goats. It is because if they are startled or excited their muscles stiffen and hence they faint down. After a few minutes you will find them, jumping and running as if nothing happened. It is quite a funny scene to see a group of fainting goats fainting down together, by deliberately exciting them. The scenery of goats fainting sometimes looks funny though it is painful for them.

What do you call a royal goat wearing denim? Billy Jean King.

What do you call a goat with a beard? It is goatee!

Why is it hard to carryon a conversation with a goat? Because they are always butting in.

What do you call a goat that lip-syncs? Billy Vanilli.

What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.

What do you call a goat on a mountain? Hillbilly.

Who did the goats vote for as president? Billy Clinton.

What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university? Billy Dean.

What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.

These are some of the popular funny goat jokes.

Kids are quite fond of funny goats and they enjoy playing with them. Kids tease the goats and make them do some silly things. There are some funny goat cartoon characters.

Many companies use the images of funny goats in their merchandises. What a smart way to lure customers, right!

People involved in goat care come across numerous goat jokes as well as funny goats. Goat care becomes enjoyable when the person giving care and the goat enjoys each other’s company.

Goats are so affectionate and playful. Hence, there will be some hilarious moments all the way.

The Latest In Crime Fighting

The Latest In Crime Fighting
 by: Peter Frederick

Nigel Osprey sits in front of his television set with a can of beer in his hand and slowly raising it and taking a luxurious sip and a sound escapes his wet lips ‘ah…..this is life!’

He is enjoying the sport program on television, holding his favourite brew in his hand as symbol of freedom, whilst stabilising a family size pizza that had just been delivered and now balances precariously on his knees. He notices its steam rising gently and wafting through the air, filling the room with his favourite aroma: ‘food!’

He listens with rapture to his favourite football manager’s ranting.

Yes, he reminds himself with glowing eyes: that manager’s a real man, strong, with a thick-set body and a mouth that continually seems to burst forth outrageous statements! And expletives – admittedly beeped out by a sissy programme editor – seem to stream effortlessly from thick and egotistic lips.

Nigel giggles to himself. He is enjoying these outbursts; they are amusingly insulting and words are being aired that cannot be received over the airwaves because of their earth content – they are too earthy! But one can always lip-read and not missng out, thereby increasing the fun!

Wonderful thoughts are coming to his mind as he takes another strong suck from his beer can: The wife’s gone away, this time for good! The divorce was very disturbing and a real upheaval. She seems to live now with her aunt Gerti in Muckalot in another state - wherever the hell that is.

Her dim-witted cousin Winston had come and picked-up all her belongings. He’s taken a lot, piling it high on a truck, but it was great to see the last of her junk!

From now on, he keeps reminding himself, there is no more screaming at him, no more berating, the home is now quiet and peaceful as there is only he and his cat Benny, who is in complete agreement with him.

He glances around and notices that the room now looks sparsely furnished. His wife, ex-wife to be exact, has left him with the bare necessities! But there is a tranquil light filtering through the sheer curtains, making all the dust visible and yet giving the room a tranquil ambience.

‘This is a man’s paradise’, he thinks, nodding to himself. There are his scattered newspapers, with the sports pages open and soon there will be a few magazines lying around the room he would normally not have dared to buy.

‘It‘s great to be free’, he thinks – it is a wonderful feeling, and he becomes aware of an intoxicating rush rippling through his body, making him sigh in bliss.

Suddenly, there are knocks on the door, rather firm and banging with determination.

‘What on earth…..’ He doesn’t like unforeseen visitors, especially when they are interrupting his favourite television program!

Before he is able to shout ‘Go away!’ it bangs again, this time with an added touch of impatience and very annoying! He feels his fury rising.

Opening the door somewhat to avoid further noise, he becomes aware of two men who were obviously detectives, identifiable by their tight fitting suits and felt hats – ‘who wears hats, nowadays?’ he observes. Behind them jostled a fat policeman with a television news team, complete with camera man and sound technician.

The detectives worry him - right from his first glance at them he has this gut feeling that they spelt troubles. These two men had faces so leathery and weather beaten and with darting eyes that, when making eye contact, seem to yank out any secrets a person might want to withhold.

They are with a third man, a kind of professor type, with thick glasses, holding a clipboard in his hands.

The news team is getting visibly exited, starting to push their way closer to Nigel. They are of the delicate type, colourfully dressed, ‘very pansy-like’, Nigel observes.

They are holding their various apparatuses as if they were doing the public, and humanity in general, a great favour! ‘But what is this all about?’ his thoughts keep racing through his mind.

Before he could think straight and absorb all this gathering, one of the detectives, with a face like a constipated bulldog, with eyes that were big and bloodshot and darting everywhere, held out a shiny metal plaque.

‘Homicide!’ he rasps, ‘Are you Nigel Osprey?’

And he did not wait for a reply – so sure was he of his case.

‘You are under arrest for the murder of a Mrs.Emilia Prattlelot…, your ex wife!’

‘W..w..w.whaaaat?’ Nigel could only gasp incredulously.

‘That’s right!’ You heard!’ This bellow comes out of non-existent lips.

‘Come with me now. Come on, come on…..’ A huge fat hand reaches out to grab him.

‘What are you talking about?’

Nigel instinctively tries to close the door in an attempt to shut out this hostile crowd.

Unfortunately, this Robert-Mitchum-look-alike has big feet – very big, they reach the door gap, thereby preventing its closing.

The third man, the one looking like a boffin, but with the same non-descript clothes, had white hair and probably a large bald spot that, too, is covered by the old-fashioned hat. His pronounced features were thick spectacles – very thick. They were so pronounced that they seem to convex out in an attempt to reach him, with two tiny black spots showing that are trying to hypnotise him – they were either his pupils or the dots flies had left on his glasses.

‘We know’ escaped his stern lips. His Adam’s apple moved up and down his scrawny throat with a collar that was far too big, giving the impression of shrinking whilst on duty!

The policeman, was in a uniform that tries to control his excessive weight by compressing it severely. But it only shifted his blubber downwards, manifesting itself in legs like concrete crushers, with rather gigantic, broad feet.