Jumping Ship
by: Tom Attea
“I can’t stand anymore chicken!” a vacationing guest, who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard.
The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent passenger.
Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over the edge.
A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he turned, saw the first mate, and called, “Passenger overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the Coast Guard! We need assistance!”
Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship threw her arms up, and yelled, “Count me out, too!”
“Why?” Captain Walsh demanded.
As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to inform him, “Even the spaghetti is inedible!”
Then over she went.
Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash down near her water-treading husband.
“Dear me,” he lamented, and turned to his curiously desultory first mate, “Make that two lifeboats!”
Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All the passengers had now gathered on the deck and appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought passed through his mind that they might opt for going overboard en masse.
Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst nightmare could come true. For instance, a few especially irate guests were brandishing hastily scrawled signs, saying such things as, “Better Entertainment Now!” “Freedom From Bingo!” and “Clean The Pool!”
“Now, see here,” the captain said, “I know you’re all not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but surely there are some enjoyable things.”
“Name one!” a disgruntled passenger challenged him.
“Well, how about the port calls?” he asked weakly. “And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?”
“Robbery in every port!” a man let out. “Disguised as sale prices!”
“You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand dollars?” a particularly irate female shopper said, holding up the stringed bauble.
“To the rails!’ another man yelled.
“We’re off of here!” a woman exclaimed.
Then the entire group, every last passenger currently still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, made a move for the rail.
“Stop! I order you to stay on board!” Walsh commanded, and placed his body between the rail and the ocean-bound passengers.
“Stand aside!” a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle.
“No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!” another man screamed.
“Or slot machines where everybody loses!” a woman chimed in.
Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another. Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every single guest leap off the boat.
“How we gonna explain this to headquarters!” the first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a gaggle of other crew members were attempting to activate.
The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the first mate. “Quick – the lifeboats! We’ve got to save everyone or we’ll be finished – washed up, forever!”
Just then the ship’s chef and his staff appeared on the deck and hurried toward the captain. “Is it true? All the passengers?” the chef asked, and peered over the rail.
“Every last one of them!” the captain wailed.
“It couldn’t be the food?” the chef wanted to know.
“Could it?” the sous chef queried.
“I have to be honest. Some did mention that.”
“I feel terrible about this,” the chef sighed. “My cooking days are over.”
Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for the rail.
“Hold it!” the captain said. “Not you and the kitchen crew, too?”
“The least we can do is join them!” returned the chef. Then, with a flourish, he added, “If only I had better ingredients!”
And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the kitchen went.
“Chef and staff overboard!” the captain called.
Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew members who were helping to launch the lifeboats stopped their vital work and climbed down to the deck.
by: Tom Attea
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“I can’t stand anymore chicken!” a vacationing guest, who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard.
The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent passenger.
Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over the edge.
A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he turned, saw the first mate, and called, “Passenger overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the Coast Guard! We need assistance!”
Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship threw her arms up, and yelled, “Count me out, too!”
“Why?” Captain Walsh demanded.
As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to inform him, “Even the spaghetti is inedible!”
Then over she went.
Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash down near her water-treading husband.
“Dear me,” he lamented, and turned to his curiously desultory first mate, “Make that two lifeboats!”
Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All the passengers had now gathered on the deck and appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought passed through his mind that they might opt for going overboard en masse.
Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst nightmare could come true. For instance, a few especially irate guests were brandishing hastily scrawled signs, saying such things as, “Better Entertainment Now!” “Freedom From Bingo!” and “Clean The Pool!”
“Now, see here,” the captain said, “I know you’re all not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but surely there are some enjoyable things.”
“Name one!” a disgruntled passenger challenged him.
“Well, how about the port calls?” he asked weakly. “And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?”
“Robbery in every port!” a man let out. “Disguised as sale prices!”
“You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand dollars?” a particularly irate female shopper said, holding up the stringed bauble.
“To the rails!’ another man yelled.
“We’re off of here!” a woman exclaimed.
Then the entire group, every last passenger currently still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, made a move for the rail.
“Stop! I order you to stay on board!” Walsh commanded, and placed his body between the rail and the ocean-bound passengers.
“Stand aside!” a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle.
“No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!” another man screamed.
“Or slot machines where everybody loses!” a woman chimed in.
Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another. Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every single guest leap off the boat.
“How we gonna explain this to headquarters!” the first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a gaggle of other crew members were attempting to activate.
The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the first mate. “Quick – the lifeboats! We’ve got to save everyone or we’ll be finished – washed up, forever!”
Just then the ship’s chef and his staff appeared on the deck and hurried toward the captain. “Is it true? All the passengers?” the chef asked, and peered over the rail.
“Every last one of them!” the captain wailed.
“It couldn’t be the food?” the chef wanted to know.
“Could it?” the sous chef queried.
“I have to be honest. Some did mention that.”
“I feel terrible about this,” the chef sighed. “My cooking days are over.”
Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for the rail.
“Hold it!” the captain said. “Not you and the kitchen crew, too?”
“The least we can do is join them!” returned the chef. Then, with a flourish, he added, “If only I had better ingredients!”
And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the kitchen went.
“Chef and staff overboard!” the captain called.
Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew members who were helping to launch the lifeboats stopped their vital work and climbed down to the deck.
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